From dependant to independent – Creating your own Identity

It’s time to go it alone – strategies to go from co-dependence to independence

My whole life I’ve wanted connections. To be liked. To be someone’s best friend and to never be alone. The danger with this is that I’ve moved from one dependant relationship to another dependent relationship my whole life. Never having my own identity.

For a year now I’ve been mourning the loss of two best friends. Friends that I loved more than I could ever love myself. And as people with BPD do, I gave a lot of my soul, time, money and identity to feel accepted.


Because people with BPD are so desperate to be loved. They hurt so intensely that they put too much hope on others to be their ship that sails them.

So now a year on, I realise that I have been grieving three people. The loss of myself. The self I give so easily to others. The self that will change just to fit into a “scene”.

So I’ve decided it’s time for me to be okay with being alone. For this next season at least. Because only when you are alone do you discover who you are, what You like, what You value and who I can be.

And although my husband (another dependent relationship) has been my life raft consistently. We are working hard to push me back onto a ship I master by myself.

Although this is freaking scary and I’ve never done this before. Im going sailing by myself and I’m doing it for me. Or Maybe Justin can be my lieutenant. Lol

Im going on a journey of self discovery.

So what does this mean and look like-

– Instead of checking every single purchase through my husband, I have started to buy things without his pre approval. I’m still working on the post approval and runway shows.

– I’m going to decide what I wear because it makes me feel good. Not because I want to look like someone. But because I’m connecting with myself.

– I’m going to buy myself some new underwear. I still have my kid underwear, include Elmo undies! I’m afraid of this adult’s body, and I’m scared to be naked. So this will be a big goal.

– I’m going to make the decision that I don’t give hugs. I’ve always been forced to kiss strangers and let people touch me. I hate being touched. I’m still working on this with my very supportive and understanding husband. If I do hug you please realise this is huge for me and not usual. And if I don’t please respect that not everyone can tolerate physical touch.

– I’m going to get more piercings and ink because I want to be covered in art not scars.

– I’m not doing my make up everyday. HUGE GOAL ACHIEVED. I’m tired of impressing others. Beauty comes from within.

– I’m not going to reply to every single message I get. I forget to take my meds. So please don’t be upset if I don’t always reply.

– It’s time I stop following my husband everywhere in the house, e.g standing outside the toilet because I’m afraid of being alone. Like he’s going to escape through the toilet!

– It’s time I give myself space. This means spending time alone with me and not filling this with imaginary worlds.

– I can no longer have very close friends because I need time to accomplish all these things and not allow myself to build my identity in you.

– It’s time I focus on me.

Laura aka little flower 💚

Until then… Have a day,   

Love Laura

Founder of OT for BPD

Published by Beyond Personality Disorders

Founder of My Potential Mental health Advocate; Occupational Therapy Teacher and Researcher Australia “As an occupational therapist diagnosed with BPD I will use this page to share about the various interventions and strategies that are helpful to those with BPD. I will also share about the positive and sometimes challenging approaches that health professionals have used in my treatment in emergency, inpatient, outpatient and community settings. I hope that by sharing my lived experience I can help improve the experience of those struggling to understand Borderline Personality Disorders (BPD) and also support those living with BPD and other mental health challenges Most importantly we will share how occupation can powerfully help change lives!" Laura

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