People with BPD often have a entangled and confused identities. We become so attached to others in a hope that if we dig our claws in deeper enough that person won’t leave us. We believe that this person will fulfil every possible purpose and they will be our saviour. Our rescue boat and captain.
So we sacrifice ourselves just to keep someone close. Our time, money, energy, love. We do everything we think is “right” to keep this boat sailing.
But as soon as we think someone might not “like us”. Perhaps a message unanswered or a funny look by someone. I’m ready to jump ships. Not realising that I’ve made that person my identity. So as I look at them I only see myself. The hate I have for myself. And I push harder and faster away. Only to realise I’ve lost myself again.
I watch you sail away with my soul and my identity on board. And now I’m drowning. Waiting for another boat to come along and save me.
Living with a BPD diagnosis is unexplainable and unbearable. I would never wish this life on another. It’s a life that is constantly lived on the edge, never knowing who you are and trying so hard to learn the skills to sail our own boats. So we look to jump overboard into nothingness because we believe we will be pushed and hurt again anyway. An I love you/ I hate you complex.
If you feel like this. Realise you are not alone. I understand the pain you feel. Like all storms, there are some days we can ride it and others we need our support raft.